Good looks and a charming personality can only get you so far in life, which is good news, considering you have neither.

Creative fulfillment will finally be yours this Thursday when the ping-pong ball bounces off the wall, ricochets over the pool table, and lands squarely inside that red plastic cup.

Some days you get the bear, and some days the bear gets you, but not a day goes by that you don't regret becoming a professor of Ursine Studies.

They say it's easier to tear something down than it is to build it up, but what do you expect when you take your philosophy from the guys at Acme Wrecking?

After months of backbreaking effort, you'll finally finish your first novel. Now, imagine how difficult it'd be to actually write one!

Depression will soon wash over you like a giant wave, signaling your first contact with fresh water in almost three weeks.

The rise of Venus in your sign can only mean one thing: This will be a great week to read too much into arbitrary events in the universe!

You'll receive a giant burst of energy halfway through the week, thanks to lax safety regulations and an overheated nuclear reactor.

You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.

Although not usually the sentimental sort, you will nonetheless be moved to tears this week by three shattered ribs.

You used to think of yourself as your own harshest critic; sadly, it's becoming increasingly clear that you're pathetic at that, too.

What at first appears to be a curse will turn out to be a blessing in disguise, or so you'll believe before discovering that the blessing is actually an even bigger, more physically perilous curse in an even more convincing disguise.

Just when your life seems to be a never-ending series of miseries, disappointments, and small disasters, it will surprise you by abruptly ending.

This week, your ceaseless letter writing will finally put an end to General Electric's policy of reading letters.

The stars will send you a special message this week, but since they are hundreds of lightyears away you'll be long dead by the time it reaches Earth.

The position of stars in the sky, along with that of the moon and outlying planets, combined with your lack of basic scientific knowledge can mean only one thing: Your gullibility will continue unabated.



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By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Updated When I Feel Like It